PRO & CON: Ban Girls from Engaging in Drunken Displays of Faux-Bisexuality

I am giving the whole of this entry over to Hannah Levin and Josh Feit, whose article I quote below (it's good for a chuckle in the many-a-truth-spoken-in-jest department):

Pro

The all-too-common scene of drunk girls in bars making out with each other for the amusement of a male audience must be curtailed. This proposed law will not restrict bona fide PDAs between girls who are honestly enamored with each other (even if it's only for the night). Only faux-lesbo behavior will be prohibited.

A ban is an extreme step, but must be taken for these reasons:

1. Girls making out with other girls to garner the attention of guys is just plain lazy. Open your mouth and say something intelligent. Don't be an indolent twit, young lady—you have more on tap than an ability to swap lip-gloss with your best friend.

2. A guy watching a girl make out with another girl is enjoying a gratis, real-life version of porn that he would otherwise have to pay for. It gives straight guys exactly what they want without having to lift a finger or contribute anything meaningful to the mix. (References to becoming "the meat in that sandwich" do not qualify.)

3. Lastly, faux-lesbo behavior makes those of us who really love the ladies want to punch you in the face or dump drinks in your lap. This can result in unnecessary injuries, shameful wastes of liquor, or, in the worst-case scenario, exclamations of "catfight!" from the already undeserving audience—a situation that can ruin a Saturday night for everyone involved.

HANNAH LEVIN

Con

Most guys I know get dizzy if they see two girls bump into each other in line at the movies. Not me. Girl-on-girl action does nothing for me, which makes me the perfect spokesperson against the proposed crackdown on drunken sorority-girl-on-sorority-girl action. I enter the debate not as a lecherous ogre, but as an impartial observer of hot girls socking their tongues into each other's lip-glossed mouths. And here's why banning girls from socking their tongues into each other's mouths is dumb public policy: It would set a precedent for banning other hot-young-girl clichés that, quite frankly, are good things.

1. Ban straight girls from making out with each other and soon they'll ban them from dancing with each other. If straight girls aren't dancing together, there's not going to be anyone on the dance floor at all.

2. Ban girls from faux-lesbian make-out sessions and it follows that you could ban them from the faux-lesbian "dressing for each other" thing. Girls are harsher critics of girls, and when they dress to impress each other, they look slammin'.

3. Ban straight girls from making out with each other and soon they'll ban them from going to the bathroom together. Bad. If they didn't head off to the bathroom together, guys wouldn't get their 10 minutes of last-chance strategy time.

4. Finally, if they ban girls from pretending to be interested in each other, soon they'll ban them from pretending to be interested in us.

JOSH FEIT